


To remain

by SkippingStone



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Didn't plan it..., It just happened, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Phan - Freeform, it might be terribly sad, phandome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-12
Updated: 2015-11-12
Packaged: 2018-05-01 07:47:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5197934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkippingStone/pseuds/SkippingStone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are many first times in ones life, and some of them are awfully rough. After someone you love dies, for example... that first breath afterwards, it rips you apart into a million pieces and you will never get them back together. Ever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To remain

**Author's Note:**

> Hiya. This is not betaed... I am sorry. I am awful, I know. Just throw it at me.

One 

There are first times for everything. There is your first breath and there is your first smile and your first step and your first word. There is all of that when you are new to the world. 

But when you lose someone you love there is all of that again. 

Your body forces you to intake a breath, no matter how urgently you need to stop in the manic hope to not exist. To stop. being. alive. Simply - to stop. You. The Universe. Time. Death. His death in particular.

The air is forcefully taken in by your body and it hurts. It fucking hurts. And you just as forcefully ban it from your body by pressing it back through your vocal folds. You scream. Loud and almost inhuman – (but you are a human so, there is that. You don't want to be right now, but you are. You want to turn back time, but you can't.) 

To talk about smiling is to early.

To talk about walking is unnecessary.

Your first word is his name. 

(In unrelated terms: You always wished it would be your last, actually. In that dark dying-in-his-arms kind of romanticism that you sometimes imagined and played before your inner eye at four am.) 

There is one time, however, when you feel like his name actually might become your last word, because it is the only utterance for a very long time remembered by you consciously... after. In that time when you think about death a lot - in a less romantic kind of way and in more suicide related terms. In that time when you do not believe that you will ever talk again. Not in this lifetime.

He dies in your arms, and empty eyes unfocused, directed into your general line of sign, and his last word is not your name. That is not how life works, or death for that matter. It only happens in certain circumstances, in film or literature or in an unfortunate, cruel series of coincidences that surround the moment of dying.

And when the moment of dying is over you are left alone with a body and a ghost (in your head). With eyes staring. The sun shining. Oceans to drown in. Only the ghost remains. 

 

Two

The first time you actually sleep, you dream of him, of the both of you. It is not a bad dream. It is one in which he is alive and everything is like it was before. He is not dead and not dying. And when you wake up, there is this fracture of time in which Dan is not dead. Then you remember and you need to start over.

 

Three

Learning to breath without pain.

Learning to walk with aim.

Learning to speak without your voice breaking.

Learning to smile. Even if faking. 

You will get there. Someday. It is a promise. 

The ghost whispers, and you are so afraid to forget his voice.

 

Four

You need to learn to live without him. Sort out who you are without him. Assess what is left of you, your essence. You without him. Alone. Left behind. You smash a lot of things against walls and floors and once against a window because you believe to have seen his reflection. 

Every time this happens you start crying because you are sorry for what you did. 

Still, you cannot find yourself. Every part of you is also a part of him, every memory you can think of is a memory with him in it. Every memory that is not, is not older than a few weeks. And while it essentially is not with him, they are about him. 

You is lost. Whomever you were is not existing any more. You don't know how to become... someone. 

You are lost - and tired.

 

Five

The first time you laugh from the bottom of your heart is in response to a joke the ghost in your head recites when you walk against an open cupboard door. Maybe it is a memory. It feels like a déjà vu all of a sudden and that does not make sense at all. That is not how déjà vus work. You feel them in the moment it, whatever it is, happens. So it is a memory. 

You laughed at a memory. 

You cannot share the memory. 

You get dizzy realizing it and you need to sit down for a moment. 

That moment turns into a minutes and into an hour and you don't hear your phone ringing. You forget that you were supposed to get a train, but it is not the first train you forget to make so no one is really worried. This is your thought when you stand up long after it turned dark and you lay down in your bed. Hoping to forget. 

Also hoping to dream that he is still alive. That hasn't happen in a while. Just feeling for a tiny, tangible moment that he is still there. The pain afterwards doesn’t matter. All you need is to feel like before. Just for one desperate second.

 

One

You are alone. The ghost is not there.

 

One

You forgot what being in love feels like.

Still, you love him with every fiber of everything left in your body. With every piece remaining. 

 

One

-

 

Two

It comes in waves. The sea is a good place to be. Salt heals. In many ways. It also hurts.

Pain also goes in waves.

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on Tumblr if you like: wordmover.tumblr.com


End file.
